The Newcastle Knights Renovation Guide

With Newcastle turning red and blue ahead of the Knights’ Grand Final appearance, homeowners across the city have been looking for ways to show their support.

Flags are up. Jerseys are out. Houses are being painted.

But for some Newcastle homeowners, simply painting the front of the house red and blue doesn’t go nearly far enough.

If we’re going to support the Knights, perhaps it’s time our homes did too.

So, after absolutely no consultation with architects, builders, town planners, insurers or Newcastle City Council, we’ve put together The Newcastle Knights Renovation Guide.

1. The Security Moat

For years, homeowners have invested in alarms, security cameras, sensor lights and video doorbells.

But medieval technology already solved this problem hundreds of years ago.

The moat.

Ideally wrapping the entire property, a moat offers security, water views and a clear separation between your property and the neighbours.

It may also add that increasingly sought-after phrase to the advertisement:

“Absolute waterfront.”

Just be aware that pedestrian access may become difficult.

Which brings us to renovation number two.

2. The Drawbridge

The traditional front door has served Australian homeowners reasonably well.

But it’s hardly Grand Final material.

The drawbridge provides both access and security while creating what agents would describe as a seamless indoor/outdoor connection.

Lower it when guests arrive.

Raise it when you’ve had enough of them.

Potential buyers should confirm whether the drawbridge mechanism forms part of the sale.

3. The Observation Turret

Forget the second-storey extension.What Newcastle homes really need are turrets.

Positioned correctly, a turret provides commanding district views, natural ventilation and early warning of approaching Roosters supporters.

We spoke with local medieval enthusiast Sir Barry of Cardiff, who says he has been waiting years for Newcastle homeowners to finally embrace sensible residential design.

“People laughed when I installed my first turret in 2001,” Barry told us.“They said, ‘Barry, you’ve ruined a perfectly good three-bedroom brick-and-tile home.’

“But who’s laughing now?”

Barry believes every Newcastle home should have at least one turret, although corner blocks may comfortably accommodate two.

“Obviously you don’t want to overcapitalise.”

Sound advice.

4. Convert the Garage to Stables

The double garage has been one of Australian real estate’s most desirable features for decades.

But every Knight needs somewhere to park the horse.

A standard double garage should comfortably accommodate two horses, saddles and assorted jousting equipment.

There is, however, one important consideration.

Off-street parking.

If you own two cars and two horses, you may need to speak with council.

5. Install a Portcullis

Security screens are fine.

But have you considered a giant iron gate that drops vertically from the ceiling?

The portcullis has protected castles for centuries and is surprisingly underrepresented in Newcastle residential architecture.

It also gives agents another excellent marketing phrase:

“Multiple layers of security.”

6. Create a Great Hall

Open-plan living has dominated Australian property for years.

Perhaps we’ve been doing it wrong.

The Great Hall provides everything the modern family needs: soaring ceilings, oversized dining, a roaring fireplace and enough room to entertain several neighbouring kingdoms.

Styling should remain relatively neutral.Long timber tables.Iron chandeliers.

Exposed stone.

Perhaps a tasteful Knights flag.

And no television.

All sporting events should instead be recreated by travelling minstrels approximately three weeks after they occur.

7. The Dungeon

Possibly the most versatile renovation on the list.

Real estate agents are always searching for that elusive multipurpose space.

The dungeon is exactly that.Wine cellar.

Home gym.

Teenage retreat.

Work-from-home office.

Storage.

With the addition of a small window, potentially even a sixth bedroom.

**Subject to council approval, minimum ceiling heights, ventilation and considerably more legal advice than this article is capable of providing.

8. Replace the Fence with Battlements

Colorbond fencing provides privacy.

Battlements provide privacy and tactical superiority.

The elevated defensive positions also allow homeowners to keep an eye on what’s happening in the street.

Sir Barry is particularly enthusiastic about this renovation.

“People spend thousands putting cameras around their homes,” he explained.“I just stand on the battlements.”

We asked Barry whether his neighbours had raised any objections.

“Not since I installed the moat.”

9. Replace the Doorbell with a Bugle

Technology dates.

A bugle is timeless.

No batteries.

No subscription.

No Wi-Fi.

Visitors simply announce their arrival with one long blast at the front gate.

Deliveries may become more complicated, although Uber Eats drivers should eventually adapt.

10. The Round Table

Finally, every Knights-inspired home needs a round table.

It provides the perfect setting for family dinners, neighbourhood meetings and difficult property negotiations.

Most importantly, nobody sits at the head of the table.

Which means buyers and sellers begin negotiations on completely equal terms.

As a real estate agent, this is obviously the least realistic suggestion in this entire article.

A Final Word from Sir Barry

Before leaving, we asked our medieval property expert whether Newcastle homeowners should really be spending thousands converting suburban homes into fortified castles simply because the Knights have made the Grand Final.

He looked genuinely confused by the question.

“We’ve waited 25 years for this. What else are we going to do?”

Fair point.

So this weekend, hang the flags, wear the jersey and paint the house red and blue.

And if there’s still time before kick-off…start digging the moat.